I played back the scene in my mind and saw his pale confused face again. I shallowed my spit and I almost choked. My throat was dry and coarse. It felt so unusual. For the first time in 3 years, I was totally relieved yet confused.
What has just happened?
Everything happened so fast. It was just one of those days where I felt I was drove up the wall. It was just a simple issue of "who should wash the dishes" and I know it was too shallow. But the "dirty dishes issue" is just the tip of the iceberg.
The dirty dishes are some of the many reasons why I had to do what I had to do. For the first time in 3 years, I finally found my voice and was able to express the anger I was harboring for years. I have lost my voice since I came here in 2007 because language barrier is indeed an obstacle that kept me from speaking my mind. It was such a struggle to process in my brain my anger and translate it to the English language. And even if I was able to do so... the impact was not much felt. That is why I would just surrender in despair and cried my hurt feelings away until I couldn't cry no more.
But that day... I found the courage to express my anger. I cursed him. I screamed at him. And I poured out my anger at him... in my native language... and didn't care less if he was able to understand every word that I said. I knew he had an idea of what I was screaming about and he was not happy. I saw from his face that he somehow knew that the words that came out of my mouth were not good and he was scared. And from the way he stared at me I knew that he was worried. But I didn't care. I let out another loud piercing cry in my native language and I saw in his eyes his fear.
That day... as I started my motor and pulled out of the driveway, I decided not to come home.
3 comments:
so brave of you to speak your mind finally. and yes, i'm sure he understood that you had had it, that the dam of patience and long-suffering deep in your soul had finally broken down after holding up strongly for the past few years. it must have been a relief, in a way, to let lose of those pent up, broiling emotions. you described the moment so well. i close my eyes and i can almost hear you cursing, screaming.. and i can almost see the shock on his face. the stunned silence. i don't blame you at all. there is a time for everything, and the time was just ripe for such a confrontation. i do hope you take care of yourself. some men don't react very well to cursing:)
Boy! Can I relate. I have been with my husband for over a dozen years and have only seen him wash one dish. I am lucky if he can take it to the kitchen. If he does, I'd prefer he did not, as he will throw it in the sink food and all. This is just one of many things that annoy me. It is as if I have duties and he does not. Frustrating!! Too bad you had to get to the breaking point. Too bad you could not have resolved the issue earlier. I've tried. Mine tells me I will not delegate assignments to him - he's grown.
What an intense moment, and yes when we reached that breaking point, no language barrier can stop us! Understand or not the words you said, he felt your anger and absorbed the expression on his face..
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