The Curse of Singledom

From where I came from, culture dictates that being still unmarried when you are in your 30s is already a taboo. It wasn't written in laws or something like that, but the humiliation that one has to undergo through feels like it was written on solid rock.

People will mock you in family gatherings, office parties, church organizations and most importantly in class reunions just because you happen to be the only one who is not hitched. If one has to take this kind of treatment with just a shrug... then you will survive without losing your sense of humor.

I was okay with singledom for awhile. I don't belong to a big family so I don't have to attend family gatherings very often except when a relative dies. And no matter how understanding my family was, there came a time when they were not able to protect me from the stigma of the society.

When I climbed to 40 something, the pressure was so intense that for some reason I was able to psyche myself up that I did need to get married in order to be happy.

I was wrong.

Dirty Dishes

My mind spun like the tires of my AWD as I drove to work. The incident that morning kept playing over and over in my brain and it left a numbing feeling to my tired soul. I was trying to feel my cheeks and was surprised that no tears were falling.

I played back the scene in my mind and saw his pale confused face again. I shallowed my spit and I almost choked. My throat was dry and coarse. It felt so unusual. For the first time in 3 years, I was totally relieved yet confused.

What has just happened?

Everything happened so fast. It was just one of those days where I felt I was drove up the wall. It was just a simple issue of "who should wash the dishes" and I know it was too shallow. But the "dirty dishes issue" is just the tip of the iceberg.

The dirty dishes are some of the many reasons why I had to do what I had to do. For the first time in 3 years, I finally found my voice and was able to express the anger I was harboring for years. I have lost my voice since I came here in 2007 because language barrier is indeed an obstacle that kept me from speaking my mind. It was such a struggle to process in my brain my anger and translate it to the English language. And even if I was able to do so... the impact was not much felt. That is why I would just surrender in despair and cried my hurt feelings away until I couldn't cry no more.

But that day... I found the courage to express my anger. I cursed him. I screamed at him. And I poured out my anger at him... in my native language... and didn't care less if he was able to understand every word that I said. I knew he had an idea of what I was screaming about and he was not happy. I saw from his face that he somehow knew that the words that came out of my mouth were not good and he was scared. And from the way he stared at me I knew that he was worried. But I didn't care. I let out another loud piercing cry in my native language and I saw in his eyes his fear.

That day... as I started my motor and pulled out of the driveway, I decided not to come home.

That Face

I can hear my voice reverberating as far as the deepest part of the woods outback. The echoing voice sounded aggrieved and indignant. It was full of hatred and unfathomable hint of pain. It was scary. It was undeniably the voice of a woman full of great despair.

He, on the other hand was staring back at her… perplexed. His face was white in total confusion but has a tint of panic. He was totally petrified. 

For the first time in 3 years of being together, I have never seen his face so scared.

For the very first time in 3 years of living together... I finally found my voice.

And for the first time in 3 years... I love what saw. And I love what I heard.

The Naked Face

I live a blissful life.

I was raised well by two wonderful people who gave me everything I need with some bonuses and perks on the side. I was educated in the best schools and went all the way without having to work my ass like other kids of my age who were cleaning tables and thrash bins at McDonalds to pay their way to college.

Though I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I was handed with some benefits on silver platter. I get what I want without struggle. I was spoiled rotten by grandparents and was the favorite niece of uncles and aunties. Life was good and I was used to it.

Growing up, I had my fair share of heartbreaks and pains but none was too significant to make me a loner. I partied like an animal but stayed away from drugs. I graduated with flying colors and climbed the corporate ladder with ease. I traveled the world and watched sunsets and sunrises from different horizons.

Life is good... until 2007.

Life

Life was like a box of chocolates.

You never know what you're gonna get.


- Forest Gump